As I sit here and watch my belly move around and feel Jackson jab at me every once in a while, I can't help but become a little sad. Our time is almost over - we only have a little over 6 weeks to go until he makes his arrival. I can't help but laugh at the fact that at one point in time I thought time was moving so slowly through this pregnancy. Where's the magical wand to reverse time? Where's the remote from "Click" that would allow me to rewind and pause?
This pregnancy hasn't been easy by any means, but I am truly going to miss being pregnant. Am I going to miss the morning sickness? No, absolutely not! Am I going to miss the extra anxiety? Nope, can't say that I will miss that either. Am I going to miss being waited on due to bedrest? Maybe... Just a little bit. :) What will I miss? I'm going to miss the magic of growing another human being. Pregnancy truly is an amazing process that shouldn't be taken for granted. I'm going to miss the little jabs and kicks - even the ones where Jackson hits my bladder repeatedly because he's practicing his basketball moves. I'm going to miss watching my belly in amazement and wondering what Jackson is doing in there. There is so much that I'm going miss, but as of right now, I'm making sure to enjoy every minute.
Matt and I have always talked about having two kiddos, but now we don't know what is going to happen in the future. Jackson may be our one and only. Is this a problem? No, definitely not, but it wasn't what we were originally planning either. I find myself laughing when I hear someone say something about a "normal" pregnancy. What's normal? To me, what I've been through and am still going through is normal. I don't know any difference. Does this pregnancy make me think differently about having another child? ABSOLUTELY! I think anyone that has gone through a difficult pregnancy/high risk would tell you that they worry about having future children.
Are we positive that we won't have another baby in the future? No, but we definitely have a lot to think about before that time comes. Once Jackson is born, we will have to wait a minimum of 2 years before trying to conceive again. Due to having the fetal surgery, my uterine incision will need to be evaluated to make sure that it healed properly and could withstand the stress of another pregnancy. Not waiting the correct amount of time, or not getting evaluated prior to conceiving could be extremely dangerous, not just for me, but for the future baby as well. One of the major risks that we face is preterm rupture of the membranes. We face this danger now with Jackson, but with our weekly ultrasound, everything is being closely monitored. I would assume that if we decided to have another baby, I would be closely monitored again due to the risks.
I've come to realize that my anxiety is based around the unknown. I am a very factual person and a planner. Having a lot of questions without the answers raises my anxiety level. I try to block certain thoughts out and replace them with happy thoughts of Jackson. I think about what it's going to be like once he is here. I think about hearing his first cry and being able to finally kiss the lips that I've seen on so many ultrasounds. I imagine Matt's reaction when he sees his son for the first time. I think about how proud both of us are going to be - we already are extremely proud of how strong Jackson is. Jackson isn't even here yet and he is very much loved. I am so thankful to have been chosen to be his mommy and I can't wait to see what all he accomplishes in his life. He will do something big in his life, just wait and see!
Crystal
No comments:
Post a Comment