Jackson is here!

   What a night!  So many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions... So little sleep!  I can't believe that today is the day that I'm going to meet my son.  I've been waiting for 33 weeks to meet him and it's finally going to happen.  I'm finally going to be able to kiss the lips that I've seen on so many ultrasounds.

   Everyone started coming in and out of the room starting at 3:30am.  My nurse was the first one to come in and I received my final bag of fluids before surgery.  Even though I took a sleeping pill the night before, I was up most of the night thinking and praying.  I know that everything is going to be OK, but it's still very tough to think about how little Jackson is going to be.  He will be born at 33 weeks 1 day.  Around 5:30am is when the doctors and residents started to make their rounds.  I was moved to labor and delivery around 6:15am and was prepped for surgery.  It's amazing how fast time goes by when your anxious about something.  Hugs and kisses were given around 8:15am and I was wheeled away to the operating room... Ready or not, here he comes!

   While being wheeled to the operating room I kept telling myself that everything is going to OK and that I can do this... "You are strong!  You have to be strong!"  I've already been through this, why am I so scared?  Am I scared for me or for Jackson... both!  I can't figure out why I'm scared for myself other than the last time I did this, I was asleep.  Is this going to hurt?  Am I going to be able to feel anything?  What's going to happen if I panic?  What's going to happen if Jackson doesn't start crying? How much will he weigh?  Are his lungs developed enough for him to be able to breath on his own? I drove myself crazy during the very short ride to the operating room.

   The operating room was very small, bright, and cold.  Unlike the fetal surgery, there weren't very many people in the operating room when I arrived.  The first thing that happened was that I got a spinal. When I had the fetal surgery I was given "happy juice" before being wheeled to the operating room. This time, I wasn't given anything.  I was so scared.  I hate the unknown - my anxiety level was very high.  Now that I have been through this, I know what to expect and don't think that I will be so anxious or scared if we have another baby down the road. The worst part of the spinal was getting the numbing medicine.  Just like when I got the PICC line, the numbing medicine hurt badly.  It felt like being stung by several wasps at one time in the same area.  The spinal quickly started working and my legs and feet felt very heavy.  Trying to lay down on the bed is a very interesting experience when everything below the belly button starts to fall asleep very quickly.

   I was hooked up to all of the monitors and the anesthesiologist started testing me to see how numb I was and how high the numbness went up my body.  I was able to speak with Dr. Bennett and Dr. Smith before the surgery started and they both were able to calm me down some.  Unfortunately Dr. Carroll wasn't able to make it to the delivery which made me very sad, but I completely understand why she wasn't able to be there.  Time was moving slowly at first, but then it quickly sped up.  All of a sudden they put the curtain up, Matt came in, and the doctor said "Let's get started."

   It's so strange to not be able to feel anything, but to be able to see that your body is moving with every pull and tug.  Time seemed to have slowed down again, not knowing what to expect, it felt like things were taking too long.  Then, all of a sudden, "Happy birthday Jackson!"  Jackson came out crying and crying loudly.  Dr. Bennett held him up so that I could see him through the window in the curtain.  Hearing him cry for the first time was so emotional.

  Jackson was born at 9:06am on June 11th weighing 4lbs 8oz and measuring 18 3/4in. long.  He is absolutely perfect and we are so thankful to have been chosen to be his parents.  While I wasn't able to hold Jackson, we were able to take our first family photo.  We were also able to love on him for few minutes before he was wheeled away to Children's Hospital NICU.  Watching the NICU team push him out of the operating room was very difficult for me.  I cried almost the entire time while the doctors worked on getting me closed up.  Even though I knew that he was in good hands, it was still hard to watch him be taken out of the room - away from me.  I had a completely different birth plan than what was available to me, but having Jackson was so magical.  I wish that I could have held him, I wish that he could have been able to do "kangaroo care," I wish that we could have been able to do a lot of things, but Jackson made his entrance as a healthy, screaming boy and I couldn't ask for anything more.  

   Matt was able to take me over to the Children's Hospital late that night to see Jackson.  He was in an incubator and being kept warm by a warming lamp.  I immediately started crying when I saw him again - happy tears, scared tears, tears for the unknown.  He was the most perfect baby that I have ever seen.  He was so tiny and so beautiful.  He was using a nasal cannula, but wasn't needing pure oxygen which was a great thing.  The only reason that he needed the cannula was because he was having episodes of apnea.  Apnea is very common in preemie babies because the brain is still developing.  In a way, preemie babies forget that they have to actually breath.  To them, they are still growing in the womb and only need to practice breath.  While it's very comforting to know that apnea is common, it's also very scary to witness your child stop breathing for what seems like forever.  He has only had a few episodes where the nurse had to stimulate him to get him to start breathing again. He is already making great strides with correcting himself and getting himself to take a deep breath. Hopefully he will grow out of the apnea quickly.  

   I went to visit Jackson with the thought that I wasn't going to get to hold him yet.  However, I was able to and LOVED every minute.  I knew that he was tiny, but it didn't feel like I was holding anything - he was so light.  He fit into my arms perfectly.  I went from being so scared of hurting him to my mommy instincts kicking in.  I wanted to hold him all night, I wanted to kiss him continually, I didn't want to leave his side.

   While I haven't seen the incisions in person, the nurse did tell me that all three of them had held beautifully.  The one on his right side is still open a little bit, but it shouldn't have any problems with healing completely now that he is out of the womb.  I am torn on wanting to see the incisions.  I know that they are there, I know what we went through to help Jackson, but actually seeing the incisions will make all of spina bifida stuff more real.  What a dumb statement... Of course it's real, but I'm hoping you understand what I mean.

   Jackson's clubbed feet were by far worse in person than what I imagined.  The right foot is turned in a lot more than his left.  I immediately started to pray and hope that he wasn't in pain from his feet.  I didn't see any movement in his ankles or feet, but there's still a possibility that he may end up having movement and feeling - it's still a wait a see.  While we didn't see any movement in his ankles or feet, he was moving his legs like crazy.  We were told that his hips are both located which is a great thing. We will speak with the orthopedics soon to discuss casting and find out what the process is going to be and how many casts they think he may need.

   It's definitely hard to leave Jackson at the Children's Hospital and make the 1/4 mile walk to my room at the main hospital, but we both need time to heal.  As long as someone will wheel me over to his room, I will be visiting Jackson every day for as long as possible.  Matt and I are completely in love with Jackson.  He amazed us while he was growing in womb and has already started to amaze us outside of the womb.

Crystal

  

Update from hospital #4

   We made it to 33 weeks!  One week past our goal of 32 and 10 weeks post-op.  Where has the time gone?  How is it possible that it's already been 10 weeks since Jackson and I had the surgery?  We had our reevaluation this morning to check on my amniotic fluid level.  I went in with hopes of going home, but what I got was a complete shock.

   My fluid level has decreased since Monday.  On Monday I was sitting at an 8.5 and today I was at 6.4.  That is quite a decrease in one day.  I knew instantly that I wasn't going to be going home today.  My heart sank and I became very frustrated.  I just don't understand how my fluid level not only dropped, but dropped a lot in one day when I was still receiving IV fluids and drinking water like a fish.

   Jackson of course looked amazing on the ultrasound.  He had the hiccups, opened and closed his eyes, and was practice breathing the entire time.  He is still in the breech position, but was laying in a way that Alicia could get some great pictures of him.  Finally!  His legs were still in the way a little bit, but for the most part, we got the best 3D images thus far.  My sweet boy has chubby cheeks and the sweetest little lips.  :)

   We were sent back over to the hospital after the ultrasound to wait on Dr. Bennett to get out of a meeting.  While we were waiting I got the rest of my IV fluids and my mind began working a mile a minute.  What would Dr. Bennett say?  Was I still going to be able to go home?  What's the plan of action?  Question after question, but nothing prepared me for what was going to actually be said.

   Dr. Bennett explained that my placenta shows more signs of aging than the other day.  There are more "florets" that have formed and more calcification around the edges.  I was given three options: have Jackson tomorrow, have him on Friday, or possibly have him on Monday.  Having Jackson as early as tomorrow never even crossed by mind this morning.  To say that I was shocked and blindsided was an understatement.  So many questions raced through my head, but I couldn't make myself ask them.  I couldn't get my thoughts together.

   Dr. Bennett and I discussed the three options that were presented.  She explained that while we could try and wait til Monday, she felt that she would end up coming in on Saturday or Sunday and end up having to do an emergency c-section.  She truly felt that my placenta wouldn't hold out that long.  That left us with the option of either tomorrow or Friday.  She feels that it would be best to have him tomorrow instead of taking the risk and waiting until Friday.  In her view, having him tomorrow is the safest option.

   I trust Dr. Bennett and Dr. Carroll completely, so with that being said, Jackson will make his arrival tomorrow (6/11/15) via c-section!  My sweet boy will be born at 33 weeks and 1 day.  I'm absolutely terrified, but excited at the same time.  Neither Dr. Bennett nor Dr. Carroll expressed any concerns with Jackson being born so early.  We know that he will be taken to the NICU over at Children's Hospital, but we don't know how long his stay will be.  I can only hope and pray that he is just as strong, if not stronger, outside of the womb as he has been inside.  I still can't believe that I'm going to be a mommy tomorrow.  I'm going to finally get to meet my super boy!

Crystal

                

Update from hospital #3

Monday:
   We were scheduled for an ultrasound this morning to check on the amniotic fluid.  I was anxious to see if my fluid level went up or not.  I prayed that it didn't go down... Please oh please don't let it have gone down.  Transport arrived at 7:15 and I was wheeled over to the Fetal Center.

   Jackson was breathing away when Ixa, the ultrasound tech, first started the ultrasound.  He was moving very well, but still didn't want to make Ixa's job easy.  :)  We saw Jackson open and close his eyes and yawn.  My amniotic fluid level measured at 8.5... didn't make the goal of 10.  To have been able to go home today, I had to have a 10 or higher.  I'm bummed, but I went in this morning thinking that it wasn't going to be 10.  I wanted to prepare myself just in case.

   Dr. Bennett came by a little bit later in the day to discuss the results and the plan of action.  Due to my fluid level not reaching a 10 I will be staying in the hospital until Wednesday and continuing with the daily IV fluid infusion.  On Wednesday we will do another ultrasound to check the fluid level again.  If the level is stable or higher then I can go home and receive the IV fluids at home.  Fingers crossed!  I would love to go home and be with my fur babies and watching a tv that has more than 5 channels. :)

   Jackson was being quite the stinker during his nonstress test today.  The test is suppose to last for about 20 minutes, but mine lasted for over an hour today due to Jackson moving and grooving the entire time.  Each time the nurse thought that he was going to stay still, he kicked the monitor and then moved away.

   Because I've been having such a hard time with IV's and have the possibility of receiving IV fluids at home, I had a PICC line inserted.  A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time.  The only thing that bothered me was the numbing medicine, other than that, I couldn't feel the PICC line being put in.
            


Tuesday:
   I woke up to my arm being sore from the PICC line.  The nurse explained that this was completely normal and should feel better in a couple of days.  Dr. Bennett came  by today to check up on Jackson and I and to let us know that we were scheduled for our reevaluation for bright and early, 7:30 (Yikes), on Wednesday.  She let me know that our new goal is 35 weeks.  We will be 33 weeks tomorrow, so Jackson has to chill out for 2 more weeks to meet that goal.  She also explained that she will be out of town next week attending a conference on fetal surgery.  While that's exciting, it makes me nervous.  All will be well... All will be well... All will be well!!!

   The home health nurse coordinator came by to discuss the plan with receiving the IV fluids at home.  From the way she was talking the only time a nurse will come to the house will be when the dressing for the PICC line needs to be changed, once a week.  Other than that, my "babysitters" will be taking care of setting up my daily infusion.  I've been watching the nurses take care of me for 8 days and it doesn't seem to be too difficult.  Matt's mom and I are supposed to meet with the coordinator again tomorrow for a more formal training.  

   When someone in the hospital tells you that they haven't slept, you should believe them.  I'm exhausted!  I wake up around 5:30 each morning to start my IV fluids, the doctors and residents start making their rounds at 6:30, breakfast comes at 8:30, nurses come check on me about every 3 hours... It's non stop!  Me going home is going to be like a vacation.

  Once again Jackson showed his stubbornness during the nonstress test, but not to the extreme as yesterday.  He kept moving away from the monitor again, but quickly settled down.  The test lasted about 40 minutes instead of 20, but he looked great. I sure hope this attitude that he has now doesn't continue when he's born... Oh boy!  :)    

  

Update from hospital #2

Saturday:
   Dr. Carroll came by this morning.  I haven't seen her in a month and it was so great to not only see her, but to speak with her as well.  She came with the pretty old ultrasound machine to get a quick update.  Jackson was moving well, had a strong heartbeat, breathing like crazy, and yawned 3 times -big yawns!

   My fluid level was approximately 8.9... Yay, an increase!  Dr. Carroll explained that my placenta is starting to show signs of aging, but it appears normal.  When a placenta starts to age it gets a cauliflower appearance, and mine appears to have 2 "florets" right now.  The blood flow looked great from the placenta through the cord, so while it shows sign of aging, she doesn't think that it will cause a problem yet.  Looking carefully at the placenta each week will be added to the weekly checklist for each ultrasound.    

   Today was supposed to be my baby shower.  I'm disappointed that we had to cancel the baby shower, but I also understand that it is for the best.  My cousin Kendra made a trip down from Illinois to visit.  I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and I always love spending time with her.  In a way, she brought my baby shower to me.  Along with her gift, my Aunt Jane, Aunt Mary Ann, and Stella sent my baby shower gifts with her for me to open.  Jackson received some really cute outfits, bibs, a few toys, a travel kit, and a soft blanket with his name on it.  I am so thankful for the gifts that he has received so far.

   I got my 5th IV put in today.  I honestly don't understand why I'm having such an issue this time.  I've never had problems in the past and each one this time has been very painful.  I'm hoping this one last longer than the other ones and I don't have any issues with it.  Fingers crossed!

Sunday:
   My cousin Kendra came by for a visit again before she headed back home to Illinois.  It was a short trip for her, but I'm so thankful that she made it and I got to spend time with her.  Hopefully it won't be so long until I see her again.  I know once Jackson is born I plan on making a trip to Illinois so my family can meet him, but he's going to have to grow a little bit before such a trip.  :)

   I also got to visit with some family friends from Alabama, Steve and Gigi.  I haven't seen them since Matt and I moved into our house last year and they lent us a helping hand.  My parents were up as well, so we all caught up and talked for a few hours.  They were so nice to buy Jackson the sleep/white noise machine.  I'm so excited to use it!

Update from Hospital

Wednesday:
   Well, I'm working on about 2 hours of sleep!  I didn't fall asleep until 3:30am and was woken up at 4:30am to start my IV fluids.  I wasn't able to fall back asleep until 12:00pm and only slept for 45 minutes or an hour and I was awake for the rest of the day.  To say that I'm tired is an understatement.

   Dr. Bennett came to check on me and to see how I was feeling.  I wish that everyone could get to know her.  She truly is an amazing person inside and out and I will never be able to thank her enough for all that she has done for Jackson and I.  She expressed her determination to get my mind back on track of thinking positive.  I need to go back to the attitude I had before the surgery and stop worrying so much.  She is absolutely correct and after speaking with her and my mom, I feel much better.  Jackson and I are in best of hands at the best place to be.  

   The nurse gave me a nonstress test today to check on Jackson.  The test involves attaching one belt to my belly to measure fetal heart rate and another belt to measure contractions for 20-30 minutes.  The primary goal of the test is to measure the heart rate of the baby in response to its own movements. Healthy babies will respond with an increased heart rate during times of movement, and the heart rate will decrease at rest.  The concept behind a non-stress test is that adequate oxygen is required for fetal activity and heart rate to be within normal ranges.  How did Jackson do?  He passed of course!

   I received my second dose of the steroid.  Thank goodness I only have to get two!  Dr. Bennett put in an order for Ambien so that I can get some sleep tonight.  Hopefully it will knock me out and get me caught up.  If it doesn't, I guess I'll be counting ceiling tiles again.


Thursday:
   The Ambien worked - Yay!  I fell asleep very quickly and stayed asleep for hours - it was wonderful.  The nurse came in at 6:00am to start my IV fluid.  I'm nervous to go be reevaluated.  I have it in my mind that I'm staying in the hospital over the weekend.  Not because I'm being negative, but because I'm trying to be realistic and not get sideswiped if it turns out to be the case that I have to stay - which it did.

   My amniotic fluid level has come up - whoo hoo - but only to an 8.  So, I will be staying in the hospital over the weekend.  To have been able to go home today, my fluid level needed to be over a 10.  So close, yet so far. Staying in the hospital is the best thing for us though because I will be getting daily IV fluid treatments.  Dr. Bennett originally thought that my low fluid level was due to dehydration.  She didn't mention it at the appointment and I forgot to ask, so hopefully everything will be better by Monday when I go for another check up.      

   I've been having these strange red, hot spots show up on my upper arms and cheeks.  Dr. Bennett thinks that they are from the steroid shots.  She wasn't too concerned about them and told me to ask for some Tylenol to help with the heat.  Hopefully they will disappear in a few days when the steroids work themselves out of my system.

   Jackson was moving and grooving on the ultrasound again.  Dr. Bennett even said "Look at him go" at one point!  He was showing off his breathing skills and has even rotated a little bit.  He is still in the breech position, but he now appears to be sitting on his bottom.  Dr. Bennett thinks he could be starting to rotate.  Since this wasn't our normal appointment the tech didn't measure his ventricles or anything.  This appointment was specific to look at the fluid level and to check on Jackson's movement.

   Since I'm going to be in the hospital over the weekend we had to postpone my baby shower.  I'm really disappointed, but at the same time, I know that it's for the best.  Everyone that all of us got in contact with seemed to understand and immediately sent their well wishes and prayers our way.  I'm thinking that once Jackson is born we will have a "Welcome Jackson" party.  This way everyone can meet him and see how amazing he truly is.  :)
       

   

8th appointment post-op

   32 weeks... 32 weeks!  We made it to 32 weeks!  While 37 weeks is the ultimate goal, Dr. Bennett has told me on several occasions that 32 weeks is a great accomplishment and we need to be proud. Any day and any week past 32 is a bonus.  Are we still holding on for 37, absolutely!

   Last week we found out that my amniotic fluid was a little low (10.5) and I was instructed to drink plenty of water to try and hydrate.  Today I was informed that my fluid level went down again.  This time I was measuring 6.5, that is a 40% drop from last week.  What happened?  I drink more water than anyone else I know.  I could turn into a fish and be able to live on land without a problem.  Where did it go?  Am I leaking and don't realize it?  How can I possibly be dehydrated with the amount of water I consume?  Ahhhh!

   Dr. Bennett told me that if I was measuring below 10 this week that she would admit me to the hospital to receive IV fluids and she wasn't kidding.  I was wheeled over to the hospital and put into a room on the postpartum/antepartum floor.  I was quickly hooked up to an IV and given my first dose of fluids.  I was going to be given a 4 hour dose of fluids each day that I was in the hospital.  As far as I knew, that meant Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  I am scheduled to be reevaluated on Thursday morning.  If my fluid level is above 10 on Thursday, I will be able to go home.  However, if it is between 5 and 10, I will stay in the hospital to receive some more fluids and if it is below 5, we will be discussing the possibility of delivering Jackson.  Scary... Scary...Scary!

   Due to the risk of possibly delivering Jackson early, I was given my first of two steroid shots.  The purpose of the shot is to protect his brain and help mature his lungs quickly.  There are several other benefits, but those are the main two that were mentioned.  The shot definitely didn't feel good, but it still doesn't compare to the Rhogam shot that I get due to having A- blood.  There is a risk that the steroid shot will shoot up my blood sugar, but Dr. Bennett has already put in an order for insulin just in case that happens.  I was also informed that the steroid may make it difficult to sleep.  Really?  I don't sleep well as it is now, no one sleeps well in a hospital, and now the steroid is going to add to that... Ugh!  :)

   Jackson of course looked great on the ultrasound.  He was moving around quite a bit and showing off his breathing skills.  His ventricles are measuring the same which is awesome.  He is still in the breech position, but since I'm having a c-section it doesn't really matter.  Our ultrasound didn't last as long this time since I was so low on amniotic fluid, but I always love to see him.  Other than the fluid, everything looks good, we just gotta get me fixed up.  Fingers crossed!

Crystal  

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Lil' man,

   We made it to our ultimate goal of 32 weeks baby boy.  I'm so proud of you.  You are proving to be more and more strong each week.  Speaking of your strength, you are becoming more active and I love watching my belly move when you move or stretch.  You've gotten so strong that others can see you move as well.  I'm still waiting for the day that I see a hand or foot move across my belly!  If daddy thought it was strange to see you kick, wait until he sees you do that. :)

   As usual, you looked great on the ultrasound.  You were moving and grooving and showing off your breathing skills.  Your ventricles are still measuring the same which is awesome.  You still won't show the ultrasound tech your back.  I guess your incision is going to be a surprise until you make your arrival into the world... Stinker!  :)

   We have 5 more weeks baby boy- keep baking and getting stronger.  I love you so very much and can't wait to meet you.  You are already an amazing little boy and I am so proud to be your mommy.

Love you always,
Mommy