Everyone started coming in and out of the room starting at 3:30am. My nurse was the first one to come in and I received my final bag of fluids before surgery. Even though I took a sleeping pill the night before, I was up most of the night thinking and praying. I know that everything is going to be OK, but it's still very tough to think about how little Jackson is going to be. He will be born at 33 weeks 1 day. Around 5:30am is when the doctors and residents started to make their rounds. I was moved to labor and delivery around 6:15am and was prepped for surgery. It's amazing how fast time goes by when your anxious about something. Hugs and kisses were given around 8:15am and I was wheeled away to the operating room... Ready or not, here he comes!
While being wheeled to the operating room I kept telling myself that everything is going to OK and that I can do this... "You are strong! You have to be strong!" I've already been through this, why am I so scared? Am I scared for me or for Jackson... both! I can't figure out why I'm scared for myself other than the last time I did this, I was asleep. Is this going to hurt? Am I going to be able to feel anything? What's going to happen if I panic? What's going to happen if Jackson doesn't start crying? How much will he weigh? Are his lungs developed enough for him to be able to breath on his own? I drove myself crazy during the very short ride to the operating room.
The operating room was very small, bright, and cold. Unlike the fetal surgery, there weren't very many people in the operating room when I arrived. The first thing that happened was that I got a spinal. When I had the fetal surgery I was given "happy juice" before being wheeled to the operating room. This time, I wasn't given anything. I was so scared. I hate the unknown - my anxiety level was very high. Now that I have been through this, I know what to expect and don't think that I will be so anxious or scared if we have another baby down the road. The worst part of the spinal was getting the numbing medicine. Just like when I got the PICC line, the numbing medicine hurt badly. It felt like being stung by several wasps at one time in the same area. The spinal quickly started working and my legs and feet felt very heavy. Trying to lay down on the bed is a very interesting experience when everything below the belly button starts to fall asleep very quickly.
I was hooked up to all of the monitors and the anesthesiologist started testing me to see how numb I was and how high the numbness went up my body. I was able to speak with Dr. Bennett and Dr. Smith before the surgery started and they both were able to calm me down some. Unfortunately Dr. Carroll wasn't able to make it to the delivery which made me very sad, but I completely understand why she wasn't able to be there. Time was moving slowly at first, but then it quickly sped up. All of a sudden they put the curtain up, Matt came in, and the doctor said "Let's get started."
It's so strange to not be able to feel anything, but to be able to see that your body is moving with every pull and tug. Time seemed to have slowed down again, not knowing what to expect, it felt like things were taking too long. Then, all of a sudden, "Happy birthday Jackson!" Jackson came out crying and crying loudly. Dr. Bennett held him up so that I could see him through the window in the curtain. Hearing him cry for the first time was so emotional.
Jackson was born at 9:06am on June 11th weighing 4lbs 8oz and measuring 18 3/4in. long. He is absolutely perfect and we are so thankful to have been chosen to be his parents. While I wasn't able to hold Jackson, we were able to take our first family photo. We were also able to love on him for few minutes before he was wheeled away to Children's Hospital NICU. Watching the NICU team push him out of the operating room was very difficult for me. I cried almost the entire time while the doctors worked on getting me closed up. Even though I knew that he was in good hands, it was still hard to watch him be taken out of the room - away from me. I had a completely different birth plan than what was available to me, but having Jackson was so magical. I wish that I could have held him, I wish that he could have been able to do "kangaroo care," I wish that we could have been able to do a lot of things, but Jackson made his entrance as a healthy, screaming boy and I couldn't ask for anything more.
Matt was able to take me over to the Children's Hospital late that night to see Jackson. He was in an incubator and being kept warm by a warming lamp. I immediately started crying when I saw him again - happy tears, scared tears, tears for the unknown. He was the most perfect baby that I have ever seen. He was so tiny and so beautiful. He was using a nasal cannula, but wasn't needing pure oxygen which was a great thing. The only reason that he needed the cannula was because he was having episodes of apnea. Apnea is very common in preemie babies because the brain is still developing. In a way, preemie babies forget that they have to actually breath. To them, they are still growing in the womb and only need to practice breath. While it's very comforting to know that apnea is common, it's also very scary to witness your child stop breathing for what seems like forever. He has only had a few episodes where the nurse had to stimulate him to get him to start breathing again. He is already making great strides with correcting himself and getting himself to take a deep breath. Hopefully he will grow out of the apnea quickly.
I went to visit Jackson with the thought that I wasn't going to get to hold him yet. However, I was able to and LOVED every minute. I knew that he was tiny, but it didn't feel like I was holding anything - he was so light. He fit into my arms perfectly. I went from being so scared of hurting him to my mommy instincts kicking in. I wanted to hold him all night, I wanted to kiss him continually, I didn't want to leave his side.
While I haven't seen the incisions in person, the nurse did tell me that all three of them had held beautifully. The one on his right side is still open a little bit, but it shouldn't have any problems with healing completely now that he is out of the womb. I am torn on wanting to see the incisions. I know that they are there, I know what we went through to help Jackson, but actually seeing the incisions will make all of spina bifida stuff more real. What a dumb statement... Of course it's real, but I'm hoping you understand what I mean.
Jackson's clubbed feet were by far worse in person than what I imagined. The right foot is turned in a lot more than his left. I immediately started to pray and hope that he wasn't in pain from his feet. I didn't see any movement in his ankles or feet, but there's still a possibility that he may end up having movement and feeling - it's still a wait a see. While we didn't see any movement in his ankles or feet, he was moving his legs like crazy. We were told that his hips are both located which is a great thing. We will speak with the orthopedics soon to discuss casting and find out what the process is going to be and how many casts they think he may need.
It's definitely hard to leave Jackson at the Children's Hospital and make the 1/4 mile walk to my room at the main hospital, but we both need time to heal. As long as someone will wheel me over to his room, I will be visiting Jackson every day for as long as possible. Matt and I are completely in love with Jackson. He amazed us while he was growing in womb and has already started to amaze us outside of the womb.
Crystal
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